3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
