I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
that's an acceptable place to lick
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
