Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said her name was "party"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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