My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
