Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
