Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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