During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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