did you get engaged???
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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