I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
