If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
