you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
