I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
