Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
