i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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