The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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