My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
