Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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