I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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