Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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