im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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