I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
