then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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