life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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