I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
