I wanna passion pit in your ass
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
