when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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