Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
