dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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