shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
