I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
