you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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