In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
