cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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