I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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