Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
