rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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