listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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