You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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