i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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