We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
