At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
