yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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