you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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