I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
