I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
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probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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