What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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