And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
