God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
