I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
