Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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