The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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