he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
