my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
