Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
